Lessons to be learned...

Every night I set off to sleep I run these ridiculous scenarios in my head and it just drives me nuts. Am I supposed to learn something from all this? Was I too giving? Too kind? Too trusting? What did I do wrong? Was there something that could have been done differently? Everyone tells me it's not about me. Everyone tells me Karma is going to get her. Well, Karma certainly got me this round. What the fuck did I do?

Everyday is easier but at night, as I lie in bed, my mind wanders. It wanders to terrible places. Places I don't care to even know exist but I know that they do. For whatever reason, my love for her has gone to those places. And I'm afraid it will never return.

Sleep Tight.

How the fuck do you sleep at night? Are these things that just happen? A crime of passion? A mistake of colossal stupidity? It's one of those things that make me wonder. I've lived in the shadow of a cheater my whole life. My father was a complete asshole and my mother lived with it. She's a saint and he's dead. She is loved by many yet I feel like she is still cursed by the things that have happened to her.

She's lived an amazing life. Done the things that she was supposed to do. He abandons his family, hugs the bottle and gets remarried and she thrives alone amongst a sea of hardships. He dies and I'm not sure I shed a tear for him for quite some time. Even then, it was the realization that through his actions, he has unintentionally shown me every thing i need to know about the person i never want to be.

i feel bad for them. Those who don't even know what they've thrown away. mistreat those that love them dearly. I hope they never have another satisfying night's sleep again. I hope they never escape the nightmare that is their waking life. Even after, i hope it haunts them just a bit.

Your void

you've left me with a void that fills every corner of my mind. it stains every memory i've ever had with you. those beautiful scales of yours warned me of your potent venom. i approached you anyway.

Why did we have to grow up? Things were so simple. Beauty was easy to spot. Evil just as simple to ID. Then that serpent slivered silently upon us and now we're jaded, angry and exhausted.

I guess it's going to happen whether we agree to it or not. The best we can do is try to maintain our optimism that life is good. people too. that loving is worth every last heartache and every fight worth the tears shed. running through fields of green grass. appreciate every cloud filled blue sky. watch the city lights as intently as the twinkling stars and punch the gas and let that feeling of freedom wash over you. yes, it's brief and before you know it, you're interrupted by a passerby, a red light, a cellphone ring or just the cold snap of your reality. Just remember that things are still good. we've just had to return our rose colored lenses to the library...

Damn. I know i'm not first person who has ever felt this way and I'm sure i wont be the last but it cuts. it cuts deeply. and it hurts.

Betrayal hurts you in a way that most things cannot achieve. You can get punched, kicked pushed, sworn at and degraded but all those things you can see coming a mile away. Betrayal hurts because you're usually blind to it. its the sucker punch you never see coming.

you trust someone with all you feel. all your dreams, wants and needs and one day theyre shattered. FUCK. this hurts. One day its all sunflowers and lollipops and the next its razor blades and bullet casings. beautifully crafted furniture and busted drywall. things so beautiful and so deceptive. lies upon lies. speaking sugar and spitting poison.

Trust is such a fragile object. you place it so high up in a precarious position, literally upon the damaged shoulders of an individual and hope that they can support it. live up to the expectations that you hope they can manage. Im not sure who is at fault anymore. The one who expects a normal person to uphold such a huge responsibility or the one who, upon that weight, falters, even if it is for just a moment....

But the lies. the lies, dead behind the eye lies. Those are what kills. Damages me at the deepest level. Why? Love is trust. trust is love. when trust is compromised the love is forever damaged.

I am forever damaged. There is no fixing that empty space in my soul but a mere covering that hides the scars that mar my silly dream of a perfect love. There is no such thing. There is lies deceit and the hope that one may maintain the heavy load placed upon one's shoulders, never to falter to the painful truth that there is only pain in love. To love is to lose. lose all you know that is yourself and more. whether you get it back is just a toss of the dice.....