PNW

You were good to me. You were green and lush. I was a lush too. Filled with friends, laughter, food and beer and more beer and a couple cocktails, a giant wooden beaver, foam owls, insanely cute little bohemian hipsterettes, lovely triathletes, ivy league beauties, and a few interesting gypsies, travelers and story tellers.

The landscape is certainly a change of pace from what I'm used to. The asphalt constantly wet from drizzle, covered in beautifully decaying leaves of all colors. From the vibrant reds to the mellow yellows and the dead or dying browns, it was all in a mesmerizing state of transition. A perfect time for me to be here. And to the friends i was here to visit, it seemed the perfect place for them too. Not quite in a state of limbo but certainly in a state of discovery, as one phase of their lives ended, another has begun. Whether or not they want to admit it, they're changing. Good or bad, it doesn't matter, they're growing and I'm ecstatic to be able to see them while they're undergoing it.

There isn't anything spectacular or unique or unheard of with what they're doing but it's still worth commending. Whatever it is they seek, whether it be love, companionship, career advancement, meaning to their existence or maybe just a good time, i hope they find it.

The transitional phase many of us go through could certainly benefit from a change of venue. That's probably the most valuable things i've taking away from this trip. A change in scene can most certainly help you ease into a change of mind.

The spirit has no choice but to follow the body.

illogical love

Love is not a business. It's not a handshake, its not a deal or a bargain or a place for negotiation and bartering. It may start out with X's and O's and lists of likes, dislikes commonalities but when the spark hits, it's all off. When you're swept off your feet, smitten, befuddled and confused by love, thats when logic goes out the window and your head is overpowered by your heart. You long to give chase, pursue and give all of yourself to her. Love is the most illogical thing in the world.

It's a scary feeling. It's exhilarating too. Something amazing changes in your very being. Maybe even on a cellular level. Scientists will says its all about dopamine and all that kind of chemical mumbo jumbo, but it must be more. Because when it's Love, the stars feel aligned and they twinkle more than you've ever noticed. Each ray of sunshine that splashes across your face as you drive 4 hours for a glimpse at her radiant face recharges your batteries like a solar flare. The Moon hangs higher, larger and glows brighter in the night sky. Food tastes better. The cold doesn't bite at your ears or your nose. The world is huge, possibilities endless and troubles trivial.

Love is the most illogical thing in the world and it's the most amazing opportunity for us to make complete fools of ourselves for the biggest prize in life. And failure isn't fatal. Love is not exclusive and can be shared and given and if it's right, can last beyond a lifetime.

Forget your logic and just chase. If it's right, she'll be chasing right back.

Sleepless in Seattle - 11.24.11

I write this knowing you'll probably never read it. On this day of giving thanks, I don't quite know how to feel about what we had. I am here Seattle and its been a while since i've thought about you this much. I'm lying awake, 2:30 in the morning and staring at the space needle, and a thousands things are rushing through my brain. How i've missed your touch. your cheeky, ridiculous smile, your nappy hair, long slender fingers. your alabaster skin. your eyes. god, those eyes. bewitching me with their ever changing states. nothing spoke truer to your fickle heart than those eyes. warm and brown with love and compassion. green and full of life and vigor. Icy gray and sharp. I love and hate everything about what happened to us.

thank you for everything.

How quickly a year passes, like a mouthful of food snatched from the maw of eternity.-- The Art of Racing in the Rain

Picture Perfect

your hair and fragile hands
framed against your soft pale cheeks
a sly smile painted on your lips
upon my pillow, this moment is perfect

Like a dream i cant stand to wake from
knowing this slumber is short
i take this photograph
for no one but myself

Wonderful Life

We fell in love knowing the pain it would bring
Now all I do is sing sad songs with red eyes
Throw your arms around me
Let's keep this quiet
Hear our hearts in the distance like cannon fire
See our breath in the window, in the turning light


- The Felice Brothers

Lessons to be learned...

Every night I set off to sleep I run these ridiculous scenarios in my head and it just drives me nuts. Am I supposed to learn something from all this? Was I too giving? Too kind? Too trusting? What did I do wrong? Was there something that could have been done differently? Everyone tells me it's not about me. Everyone tells me Karma is going to get her. Well, Karma certainly got me this round. What the fuck did I do?

Everyday is easier but at night, as I lie in bed, my mind wanders. It wanders to terrible places. Places I don't care to even know exist but I know that they do. For whatever reason, my love for her has gone to those places. And I'm afraid it will never return.

Sleep Tight.

How the fuck do you sleep at night? Are these things that just happen? A crime of passion? A mistake of colossal stupidity? It's one of those things that make me wonder. I've lived in the shadow of a cheater my whole life. My father was a complete asshole and my mother lived with it. She's a saint and he's dead. She is loved by many yet I feel like she is still cursed by the things that have happened to her.

She's lived an amazing life. Done the things that she was supposed to do. He abandons his family, hugs the bottle and gets remarried and she thrives alone amongst a sea of hardships. He dies and I'm not sure I shed a tear for him for quite some time. Even then, it was the realization that through his actions, he has unintentionally shown me every thing i need to know about the person i never want to be.

i feel bad for them. Those who don't even know what they've thrown away. mistreat those that love them dearly. I hope they never have another satisfying night's sleep again. I hope they never escape the nightmare that is their waking life. Even after, i hope it haunts them just a bit.

Your void

you've left me with a void that fills every corner of my mind. it stains every memory i've ever had with you. those beautiful scales of yours warned me of your potent venom. i approached you anyway.

Why did we have to grow up? Things were so simple. Beauty was easy to spot. Evil just as simple to ID. Then that serpent slivered silently upon us and now we're jaded, angry and exhausted.

I guess it's going to happen whether we agree to it or not. The best we can do is try to maintain our optimism that life is good. people too. that loving is worth every last heartache and every fight worth the tears shed. running through fields of green grass. appreciate every cloud filled blue sky. watch the city lights as intently as the twinkling stars and punch the gas and let that feeling of freedom wash over you. yes, it's brief and before you know it, you're interrupted by a passerby, a red light, a cellphone ring or just the cold snap of your reality. Just remember that things are still good. we've just had to return our rose colored lenses to the library...

Damn. I know i'm not first person who has ever felt this way and I'm sure i wont be the last but it cuts. it cuts deeply. and it hurts.

Betrayal hurts you in a way that most things cannot achieve. You can get punched, kicked pushed, sworn at and degraded but all those things you can see coming a mile away. Betrayal hurts because you're usually blind to it. its the sucker punch you never see coming.

you trust someone with all you feel. all your dreams, wants and needs and one day theyre shattered. FUCK. this hurts. One day its all sunflowers and lollipops and the next its razor blades and bullet casings. beautifully crafted furniture and busted drywall. things so beautiful and so deceptive. lies upon lies. speaking sugar and spitting poison.

Trust is such a fragile object. you place it so high up in a precarious position, literally upon the damaged shoulders of an individual and hope that they can support it. live up to the expectations that you hope they can manage. Im not sure who is at fault anymore. The one who expects a normal person to uphold such a huge responsibility or the one who, upon that weight, falters, even if it is for just a moment....

But the lies. the lies, dead behind the eye lies. Those are what kills. Damages me at the deepest level. Why? Love is trust. trust is love. when trust is compromised the love is forever damaged.

I am forever damaged. There is no fixing that empty space in my soul but a mere covering that hides the scars that mar my silly dream of a perfect love. There is no such thing. There is lies deceit and the hope that one may maintain the heavy load placed upon one's shoulders, never to falter to the painful truth that there is only pain in love. To love is to lose. lose all you know that is yourself and more. whether you get it back is just a toss of the dice.....

Old Songs Are The Saddest

I've been a fool too long

Standing in my own grave

Filling it everyday

Singing this same old happy song

Masking missteps with empty charm

Staring at the walls staring back at me

Wishing changes nothing in this empty place

Struggling with a past that I can not face

Repairing the facade of this run down home

While the roof falls in on my own soul

Running on a road

Filled with helping hands

But only one I want to hold

Understanding there is no plan

And this song is getting old